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Washington Post Daffynitions
The Washington Post publishes a contest in which readers are
asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. I'm told
the following are some of the winning entries:
Coffee (n.),a person who is coughed upon
Flabbergasted (adj.),appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n) garlic-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
Semantics (v.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such
things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Bustard (n.), a very rude Metrobus driver.
Carcinoma (n.), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
Dopeler Effect (v.), The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Foreploy (v.), Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Giraffiti (n.), Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Glibido (v.), All talk and no action.
Hipatitis (n.), Terminal coolness.
Inoculatte (v.), To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Intaxication (adj.), Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.
Karmageddon (n), It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightie.
Osteopornosis (n), A degenerate disease.
Reintarnation (v.), Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Sarchasm (n), The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
recipient who doesn't get it.
Tatyr (n), A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
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