Washington Post Daffynitions

The Washington Post publishes a contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. I'm told the following are some of the winning entries:

  • Coffee (n.),a person who is coughed upon
  • Flabbergasted (adj.),appalled over how much weight you have gained.
  • Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
  • Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
  • Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
  • Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
  • Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
  • Gargoyle (n) garlic-flavored mouthwash.
  • Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
  • Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
  • Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
  • Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
  • Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
  • Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
  • Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
  • Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
  • Semantics (v.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
  • Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
  • Bustard (n.), a very rude Metrobus driver.
  • Carcinoma (n.), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
  • Dopeler Effect (v.), The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
  • Foreploy (v.), Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
  • Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
  • Giraffiti (n.), Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
  • Glibido (v.), All talk and no action.
  • Hipatitis (n.), Terminal coolness.
  • Inoculatte (v.), To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  • Intaxication (adj.), Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
  • Karmageddon (n), It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
  • Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
  • Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
  • Osteopornosis (n), A degenerate disease.
  • Reintarnation (v.), Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
  • Sarchasm (n), The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
  • Tatyr (n), A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
  • ~~~~~

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