****Quips and Stuff****
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-Vice President Dan Quayle
"Every cloud has a silver lining and hundreds of
people are killed each year looking for it"!
If the theory of evolution is correct, why do moms still only have 2 arms?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When you choke a smurf, what color does he turn?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How do they get deer to cross at that yellow sign?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
If there is no God, then who pops up the next Kleenex?
Why is there Braille on the number pads of the drive-through bank machines?
How did a fool and his money get together?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why do they put expiration dates on a sour cream containers?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Side Door at the IRS Bldg in Utah
Department of Redundency Dept.
At a Santa Fe gas station:
We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
In a New York restaurant:
Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.
On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
-Sisters of Mercy-
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
38 years on the same spot.
In a Los Angeles dance hall:
Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
In a Florida maternity ward:
No children allowed.
In a New York drugstore:
We dispense with accuracy.
In the offices of a loan company:
Ask about our plans for owning your home.
In a New York medical building:
Mental Health Prevention Center
On a New York convalescent home:
For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.
On a Maine shop:
Our motto: Give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
At a number of military bases:
Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
Now available in multi-packs.
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
In a clothing store:
Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!
Outside a country shop:
We buy junk and sell antiques.
In the window of an Oregon store:
Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?
In a Maine restaurant:
Open 7 days a week and weekends.
On a radiator repair garage:
Best place to take a leak.
In the vestry of a New England church:
Will the last person to leave
please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
On a roller coaster:
Watch your head.
On the grounds of a public school:
No trespassing without permission.
On a Tennessee highway:
When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
In front of a New Hampshire car wash:
If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.
And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise
untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says:
"Do not throw stones at this sign."
Updated January 10, 2017
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